It is written in the discourses of Moulana Ashraf Ali Thanwi (rahmatullah alaihe) , an additional right concerning a wife is that she be given some spending money for her personal use every month and not be asked to account for it.
She is helpless and under you and does not go out to earn. She too, perhaps feels like giving gifts to her family, where then must she get it from? So give her some money according to your means. Listen now the fourth Hadith, which will bring to completion this Majlis. There are those people who suffer from the misconception that by being harsh and cruel to their wives they will maintain control and earn respect. They consider it the ultimate aspect of manliness to keep the wife lowering in fear before them. I have heard that in some places it is the custom to beat the wife on the first night to establish one’s control. What ignorance and injustice this is. We beseech Allah Ta’ala to protect us from all forms of ignorance. What, on the contrary is the beautiful lifestyle and the perfect example of our Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam)? Our beloved mothers of the Ummah were sitting and conversing with Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) in such a manner that their voices were fairly loud. Hazrat Umar (radhiallaho anho) happens to present himself in the company of Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) upon which they all fall silent. Hazrat Umar (radhiallaho anho) asks them, “What has happened to you O wives of Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) that upon the appearance of Umar you all fell silent for fear of him and that you talk freely and with sharpness to Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam)?” The reply furnished by our mothers was, “O Umar, your temperament is hard while our lot has been destined with Rahmatul lil Aalameen (The mercy onto the worlds).
Allamah Aaloosi (rahmatullah alaihe) has quoted a Hadith in his commentary, Roohul Ma’aani in which Sayyidul Ambiya (salellaho alaihe wasallam) says, “One who is kind and gentle, his wife will over power him.”
Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) is teaching us to recognize the natures of women. That husband who is kind and gentle, who is an Allah wala, who is noble natured, who is tolerant at heart will have his wife having control over him, for she realizes that she will not be scolded or taken to task. He will not beat her, will not be harsh, will not even raise his voice but will instead increase his kindness towards her. This gives her the courage to be free and informal with her husband. While those who are ill natured, “One who is ill natured will overpower his wife (by means of violence and vulgarity).”
Will gain the upper hand over them by means of violence and vulgarity, by their evil temperament and terrible character. Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) goes on to say, “I prefer, I find it more beloved to be kind and gentle even though I may be overcome by their loudness.”
No change must occur to the loftiness in my character. My character must remain soft and tolerant. Consider what he (salellaho alaihe wasallam) is saying “I do not consider it more beloved to be harsh and intolerant, hardhearted and vile and thereby gain control over them.”
These words are a great lesson for the Ummah at large. By uttering these words, Rasulullah (salellaho alaihe wasallam) is expressing the hope of infusing gentleness, of imbuing kindness and good character in the men of his Ummah with respect to their womenfolk. Nabi (salellaho alaihe wasallam) was without a doubt established on lofty character as attested to by Allah Ta’ala in the Qur’aan-e-Kareem,
“Verily you are upon lofty characters”
Another point is, Nowadays men think that it is very correct for them to keep their fear and awe upon their wives, keep them under pressure. Outside with their friends they are in a jovial and happy mood, but when they step into the house they become serious and do not laugh or smile or even make a joke or two with the wife who was waiting for him the whole day thinking that when my husband comes home in the evening I will tell him this and that. She wants to tell him something but he is sitting with a tasbeeh or he enters the house with eyes closed and a tasbeeh dangling in his hands as if Baba Fareeduddeen Attar, Hazrat Bayazeed Bustaami, or Khwajah Mu’inuddeen Chisti (rahmatullah alaihim) is entering. Is this the right of a wife? Those who do not have Deen in them enter the house like a Pharaoh with big red eyes and those who have Deen in them come in like some pious saint in meditation with eyes closed as if they are living in the heavens. Go to your wife smiling and speaking to her, you will get more Thawaab(virtues) for fulfilling her rights than reading that Tasbeeh at this moment. Laughing, joking and talking with the wife is also part of Ibaadat. To stay awake the whole night for Ibaadat and not talking to the wife is contrary to the Sunnat practices. A Sahabi went to visit another Sahabi, the host got up to start his nightly Ibaadat, the guest stopped him and told him to first speak to him as he was his guest, then perform some Nawaafil, then fulfill the wife’s rights too though it may be by just speaking to her.